My person

Reflection is a funny thing, Iv spent the past couple of days just sitting with myself and trying to unfold all the emotions Iv been feeling. Iv been reflecting on my life and what the past couple of years have been and to my surprise i started to reflect on the lives of the people around me. I have been reliving there life through my eyes i guess and it really inspired me to write this post about someone who is very important.

If you watch greys anatomy you will know how Important the phrase “my person” is.

my person is the most beautifully minded and strongest woman I have ever known. She has endured so much in the time we have been in each other’s lives and untill today I hadn’t realised how much I had seen her go through. Most of it I was there by her side and for some of it I wasn’t and for that I feel incredibly sorry for.

My person has stood by my side for 6 years now and she has changed so much in the most beautiful way. We have been through heart break together of all varieties we have been through bad hair and style choices and we have eaten more Mediterranean chicken and bousin than I thought possible. We have laughed so hard we have peed and cried so hard ( well I have) that there were no more tears left and we both stand here today completely different people and yet we are still each other’s person.

The whole point of this blog is to appreciate this insanely amazing woman that I am lucky to have as my best friend.

To the strongest most courageous and insanely talented person that is my friend

I appreciate you more than you know and I hope to always be your person.

pops x

 

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Where do I go from here

I come to you today from the steps outside my flat building. No I’m not locked out don’t worry I just decided that here would be a good place to sit and write.

If you read my last blog thank you so much for all the amazing feed back and letting me know I’m not alone, I really really appreciate it.

So today I thought i finally had a plan of some sort and there was a new job opportunity that was perfect for me and would work around my acting. Iv just found out the position is no longer a thing and I can’t help but feel like I’m never going to get a break. As an actor who has multiple jobs I often find myself with fewer jobs than I would like and there is always a transition period to stopping one job and starting the next. This transition period has been way longer than I wanted. People have promised me teaching work and it has fallen through. I have been promised other work and that again has fallen through. I’m at a loss at what to apply for next. Where do I go from here?

On the plus side iv learned that I’m a lot more patient than I thought and having time off means i have TIME. I have time to nap, I have time to read, I have time to go on walks just because and I have time to be a better me.

Although this situation is far from ideal I have a roof over my head ( well for now we will see how long this lack of jobs lasts for haha) and time to learn more about who I am as a person and an actor.

I don’t think I’ve ever applied for this many jobs before. It’s hurting my brain.

Anyway onward and upwards they always say. Fingers crossed its upwards and not further downwards.

I hope your having a beautiful week so far.

If you have any suggestions on where to go from here I will lovingly accept them.

Poppy

worth it?

Im sat in a cafe near my flat drinking coffee I probably can’t afford with my planner spread infront of me trying to work out my life for the millionth time this year.

As I sit here I begin to realise that I feel like I’m right back where i started at 18 years old moving to Manchester and away from home for the first time. I have no money as per usual, I have changed jobs again and I’m stuck in a thought of fear of changing the situation I am in.

Living in London as an actor is no easy feat and nobody ever said it would be but people do say that it’s worth it and I’m sat here wondering if it really is. I pay a lot of money for rent and I’m always skint. I barely go outside unless its for work and God forbid I ever buy any new clothes or a coffee. Honestly is this all worth it?

I’m 25 years old and I have no fucking idea what it is I’m doing in my life other than striving for something that sometimes seems out of reach.

Id just like to pause to tell you that even though this coffee cost me my kidney it’s really bloody good.

I’m 25 years old and I’m sat in a coffee shop realising that iv lost half my income for probably the fourth time since i moved here 2 years ago. This will probably blow some people’s minds especially if you have never lived this thespian lifestyle of chasing your dream whilst holding down 3 or more jobs because you need to be able to drop them as soon as any acting job comes along. I wasn’t fired it was a change of circumstances I can proudly say I have never been fired but I have had to quit or pull out of a contract because they have sucked me in with promises of flexibility but actually there is no flexibility at all. I know I’m lucky to of found some jobs that will hire me knowing I could leave any minute because something better ( performing work) has come along but on the flip side of that I am at risk of being dropped when ever they see fit. Which means paying my rent isn’t always something I know I can do.

How can you live this life you ask?

I tell myself its worth it, working three jobs is worth the sore feet and the exhausted mind because eventually it will lead me to a job that I could only dream of during those 12 hour shifts. It is worth the anxiety of not knowing if I will make rent this month because I got an audition for something that could lead to something huge. Its worth it because I live with beautiful people who have my back and who make me feel good when I really feel like giving up.

I’m 25 and I don’t own a house or a car and no I can’t always pay my rent with ease.

I’m 25 and I have a beautiful man by my side, I have friends that would go to the end of the earth for me and who hold all my broken pieces together when I can’t , I have a family who support me and cheer me on even if they don’t get where I’m going or what I’m doing, I have me!

I’m not 18 years old poppy who was shitting her self about life outside of a tiny village. I am 25 year old poppy who has battle scars and bruises and who is sat in a cafe drinking coffee she definitely can’t afford because she is fed up of not doing the little things because money says no. She is finding a job for the millionth time to be able to pay her rent and drink coffee and maybe get some new headshots that she desperatey needs.

I guess the point is everyone’ definition of worth it is diffrent.

Just stop for a minute and drink that coffee and eat that pastry and look back at where you have come from. You might be surprised to realise that you have overcome things that you didn’t think you could. You have grown more than you had noticed and maybe you don’t have a house or a car and maybe you have 3 jobs but you do have more soul and more grit and a whole army of people behind you pushing you on when you can’t go any further. You have people stood next to you holding your hand squeezing it with reassurance and you have your dreams that will lead you were you need to go.

I started this blog feeling completely defeated looking for another job so I could pay my way. I sat here thinking it wasn’t worth it anymore. To be honest some things are not worth it and I’m now going to find the courage to change it but most of it is.

Dear world

You have got this

what ever this is!

I keep dropping the ball

Happy new year

 

I haven’t posted for a while and to be honest with you there is no reason other than the normal mundane excuses we all use to explain away why we haven’t done something.

This post is quiet hard for me to write because it means that I am realising that for the year of 2017 I kind of failed at a lot of things consistently. 2017 was an amazing year for me but as I sit here in January unemployed again because well I’m an “Actor darling” I am pondering what the hell I am doing with my life and asking myself why I dropped the ball on my dreams in the last year. All I want to do is sing and hopefully make a job out of it and I keep trying but I know that Im not trying enough and that there is so much more I can do. It’s like I’m self sabotaging. There are so many things about this industry that confuse me and overwhelm me and I’m constantly asking myself if I’m loosing integrity by doing this. Am I giving up who I am to please others even though maybe just maybe I might get a job. Am I giving up on life itself? Am I slaving away to other people’s ideals or am I pushing for my dream even though there are people who stand in my way? Am I compromising and giving up something so I can have something else? Am I going to eventually get there (where ever there is) and know it was all worth it?

I feel really confused and torn because I want so many things and they don’t seem to match up. I want to believe i can have it all and it will find a way of working out if I just persevere but right now I’m feeling defeated. Singing is in my soul as corny as that sounds and it’s what makes me who I am. It fills me with joy and releases stress and is something that I love to share with people. When I hear a good song that hits my core it brings tears to my eyes and I highly appreciate other people’s vocal abilities. If this is what drives me and soothes me then I should be going for it guns blazing no questions right?

I think I just need to sit with these feelings and figure them out over time and just keep reminding  myself of what’s important to me and go forward knowing who I am and what I can do.

Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s the fact I’m unemployed again, maybe it’s just me.

Welcome home 

Today is my first full day back in England and while I’m very happy to be home I have mixed emotions. Iv just spent three months living in a tent with teenage girls mentoring them on life and nature and having one of the best times of my life and now I’m back home unemployed at a cross roads that I’m not sure what to do about. This is leaving me with an overwhelming pit of anxiety in my stomach and heavy weight on my chest. I have always worked and whilst I was away I realised that i wasn’t fullfilling myself or my dreams because I was so caught up with paying my rent and making a living. This is obviously important but since I graduated I haven’t given myself any time to decide what it is I want to do and where I want to go nor have I gone for anything 100% out of fear of no money and failure. I am now so ready to go at the things I want with everything I have, I do not want to put off my life anymore beause of the electricity bill. Im not going to wait around anymore to have enough money to take a break from work and Persue what makes me happy. Canada was a life changing experience for me, camp kanawana made me realise that the way i was living was not right for me and was crushing me as a person. It also reignited my self worth and my trust in what I was put on this earth to do. Not everybody likes me but alot of people learn from me and the way that I am and I want to continue to do that.

Iv learned to just go for it and if I fall I have an amazing family and boyfriend who have supported me and will continue to support me no matter the outcome.

WE ARE BLESSED!! ( courtesy of Marcus and Lucas) 

Love ❤️ 

You give men a bad name 

I hate cars, i personally think our family has a curse when it comes to cars. They always breakdown when we go on holiday, we always have problems with our cars at the worst time and I am not an exception from that rule.

A few months ago I went on a spur of the moment trip to Brighton. Iv always wanted to go so off we went in the car. Low and behold 2o minutes into trip the clutch on my car hits the floor and locks my car in gear. I get it fixed with a cable tie and then have to drive it back to my flat through central London in rush hour. Let me tell you it was not fun.

Now I’m in Wales in a job and again my car breaks down in Manchester. I get towed all the way back to Wales after discovering my breaks have completely worn down even though I had an mot check a month ago. 

Today I have been to kwickfit to see the damage on my car after they did a free break check for me. After trying to get hold of them on the phone I went down to the centre to see what was going on. A mechanic took me to my car to see the damage and explain that they wanted to charge me over £400 to fix it. I am not a mechanic and I am shit with cars but my dad isn’t so I called and he told me they were having a laugh. I told the mechanic I couldn’t afford to pay for that and wanted to take my car home until I could fix it. What happened next has shocked me and made me mad that these people give men and mechanics and anyone in the manual labour industry a bad name. This guy turned around and said to me well you seem to be a prepared girl. Your prepared enough to have condoms in your glove box so I assume your prepared to fix your car. 

I’m sorry but why the hell are you in my glove box my breaks don’t live in there and secondly yes there are condoms in my glove box but that is none of your business to comment on especially in a manner that suggests I can fix my car if I’m prepared enough to have sex. 
It makes my skin crawl that anyone thinks they can talk to someone like that. Why do you think it’s okay to mention that to me? 

I am so bad at small talk 

I don’t understand it but for some reason I have no capability when it comes to small talk. I just can’t do it. People often come up to me and ask me how i am and how’s things and I can reply to them about myself but when it comes to me asking about them I just don’t and it’s kind of frustrating. The amount of People that think I’m rude is probably in the hundreds. I don’t think it’s that I don’t care it’s just that I’m not down to have a shallow conversation with some one just because, maybe that’s selfish or wrong but I like to talk about real things not just the weather or how my job is etc. I guess in that aspect I don’t care but I do care about the important stuff. I want to know how your really doing I want to know what really happened with your days and most times there just isn’t time to do that so I don’t entertain the generic response or guestions. Is that bad? 
Who knows