Im sat in a cafe near my flat drinking coffee I probably can’t afford with my planner spread infront of me trying to work out my life for the millionth time this year.
As I sit here I begin to realise that I feel like I’m right back where i started at 18 years old moving to Manchester and away from home for the first time. I have no money as per usual, I have changed jobs again and I’m stuck in a thought of fear of changing the situation I am in.
Living in London as an actor is no easy feat and nobody ever said it would be but people do say that it’s worth it and I’m sat here wondering if it really is. I pay a lot of money for rent and I’m always skint. I barely go outside unless its for work and God forbid I ever buy any new clothes or a coffee. Honestly is this all worth it?
I’m 25 years old and I have no fucking idea what it is I’m doing in my life other than striving for something that sometimes seems out of reach.
Id just like to pause to tell you that even though this coffee cost me my kidney it’s really bloody good.
I’m 25 years old and I’m sat in a coffee shop realising that iv lost half my income for probably the fourth time since i moved here 2 years ago. This will probably blow some people’s minds especially if you have never lived this thespian lifestyle of chasing your dream whilst holding down 3 or more jobs because you need to be able to drop them as soon as any acting job comes along. I wasn’t fired it was a change of circumstances I can proudly say I have never been fired but I have had to quit or pull out of a contract because they have sucked me in with promises of flexibility but actually there is no flexibility at all. I know I’m lucky to of found some jobs that will hire me knowing I could leave any minute because something better ( performing work) has come along but on the flip side of that I am at risk of being dropped when ever they see fit. Which means paying my rent isn’t always something I know I can do.
How can you live this life you ask?
I tell myself its worth it, working three jobs is worth the sore feet and the exhausted mind because eventually it will lead me to a job that I could only dream of during those 12 hour shifts. It is worth the anxiety of not knowing if I will make rent this month because I got an audition for something that could lead to something huge. Its worth it because I live with beautiful people who have my back and who make me feel good when I really feel like giving up.
I’m 25 and I don’t own a house or a car and no I can’t always pay my rent with ease.
I’m 25 and I have a beautiful man by my side, I have friends that would go to the end of the earth for me and who hold all my broken pieces together when I can’t , I have a family who support me and cheer me on even if they don’t get where I’m going or what I’m doing, I have me!
I’m not 18 years old poppy who was shitting her self about life outside of a tiny village. I am 25 year old poppy who has battle scars and bruises and who is sat in a cafe drinking coffee she definitely can’t afford because she is fed up of not doing the little things because money says no. She is finding a job for the millionth time to be able to pay her rent and drink coffee and maybe get some new headshots that she desperatey needs.
I guess the point is everyone’ definition of worth it is diffrent.
Just stop for a minute and drink that coffee and eat that pastry and look back at where you have come from. You might be surprised to realise that you have overcome things that you didn’t think you could. You have grown more than you had noticed and maybe you don’t have a house or a car and maybe you have 3 jobs but you do have more soul and more grit and a whole army of people behind you pushing you on when you can’t go any further. You have people stood next to you holding your hand squeezing it with reassurance and you have your dreams that will lead you were you need to go.
I started this blog feeling completely defeated looking for another job so I could pay my way. I sat here thinking it wasn’t worth it anymore. To be honest some things are not worth it and I’m now going to find the courage to change it but most of it is.
You have got this
what ever this is!